This post could quite possibly make you all hate me. It seems
like I only blog about once a month while PMSing. LOL Today I’m not hormonal, I’m
just irritated at myself. I’m frustrated at the stupid shit I get myself into. So,
do me a favor after reading this…don’t handle me with care. Let me have it…I
need to be kicked around a bit right now.
So, ya’ll know the story of Mr. AZ, right? In my last post I
swore him off, never again to travel for him, or send sexy texts, or put any
more effort into him at all. Done and done. I did well for a second. I posted a
new personal ad and I put myself out there again. I wasn’t going to let myself
stay sad over Mr AZ. So, I wiped my tears away and exactly 1 week after I got
back from my last trip to AZ, I met an amazing new man. We’ll call him Mr
Cricket. Let me just start by saying that he is incredible. He’s smokin’ hot, super
funny, weird as hell, crude, and we have a lot of the same values. (hehe Neck, does
that make you think of the pictures I keep forwarding to you?) We’re in about
the same spot in life. Neither of us has baggage (ex wife/husband drama, kids,
etc) and we’re both ready to grow up and live happily ever after. The best
thing about him is that he seems to genuinely like me…a lot, and he’s not afraid
to commit. In fact he took his ad down as we sat and had a beer the very first
night we met. Since then we have spent quite a bit of time together and have
decided to date exclusively. He even met 1 of the besties AND she liked him!! :) Things are progressing well with us. I like him more and more every time I see
him, and I’m really looking forward to seeing where things go with us.
Now here’s where I confess how stupid I am. Ready? All of
the distance that I tried to put between Mr. AZ and I only made him try harder,
which would be great if I didn’t meet someone LOCAL who makes me really happy. We
are still talking almost daily. I have turned down the sexy level, but I’d be
lying if I said I don’t still go there with him. There is still something about
him that draws me to him like a magnet. He brings up coming out to visit me
every now and then, and has offered to fly me out a couple times lately. I’ve
tried to just kinda change the subject when he brings it up, but last night I
agreed to go out there again. All of the “I fucking miss you!!”s worked on me.
I miss him too, and I honestly really want to go see him. I’m not sure why I’m
finding it so damn difficult to walk the hell away from him! I know he’s no
good for me. I know he’s stringing me along for a once a month weekend fling.
He straight up told me “I like you a lot but I don’t see how things could ever
progress in a healthy way because we’re in different states.” I reminded him of
the talk we had about me moving there if we ever decided to take the next step,
then I asked him if he could see any possibility of things ever being more with
us, and he didn’t answer. He has made it more than clear that things won’t move
forward between us. But, he still misses me. He still thinks about me enough to
text me daily. And he still has something that makes it feel impossible to
close that chapter and move forward.
I want to go, so bad. How fucked up is that? I told Mr.
Cricket that I was super hung up on a dude in AZ before we met and that was the
reason I posted my personal ad, to help move on from a long distance
relationship that was never anything very serious. But Mr. AZ knows nothing
about Mr. Cricket. Neck brought up something which made me think about the
situation a little more. I told her I want double standards…that I want to be
able to keep Mr. Cricket, and still have something with Mr. AZ on the side.
Since he’s so far away, it wouldn’t really be hard to keep them from finding
out about each other. But Neck says “How would you feel if Mr. Cricket had a
part time lover?” Hmm. I am very much a Scorpio, y’all. And that means I am a
jealous bitch. I most definitely would NOT be ok with Mr. Cricket having a part
time lover, even if it was a long distance one. But does the thought bother me
enough to let go of Mr. AZ?? No. :-\
I’m pissed at myself. I like Mr. Cricket so soo much. But
since the thing with Mr. AZ is so much like a fairytale, I’m finding it hard to
just leave it be. I still want so much to run away and move to a new state for
love and have this great new adventure with a man who I’m nuts over. But, I
have this super hot amazing man here in town, who is pretty damn close to
perfect. I’m not willing to let either one of them go. WTF does Mr. AZ have
that Mr. Cricket doesn’t? I feel like such an asshole. I would be really sad if
I found out either one of them was playing bullshit games like this with me,
but it still doesn’t stop me from doing it. I always say I don’t want the games
that come along with dating, but I’m playing them myself!! No wonder I can’t
find a genuine connection with a real man. Because when I find one, I act like
a fucking 16 year old slut. I know I need to cut ties with Mr. AZ, but how? Do
I just continue to love both of them and see where it goes before I burn any
bridges? Or do I stop all contact with Mr. AZ and give Mr. Cricket a true shot?
Does the fact that I can’t give up Mr. AZ mean that Mr. Cricket can’t really be
Mr. Right??
Seriously…I’m 30, perhaps it’s time to act like it.
