I’m warning you now, this is blog entry is chalk full of
self pitty, and frankly, after reading over it it’s kind of pathetic. But I
need to get this shit out. I can’t handle it taking up space in my head, and I’m
hoping that maybe you all can help me make sense of this.
Why is it that we always want what we can’t have? Why does
it seem like a challenge is so much more fun than something that just lands in
your lap? If you ask my bestie, it’s just part of being a girl.
I took a second trip out to Phoenix to see Mr AZ this past
weekend. I have been on the fence about how I should handle the relationship
with him since my last trip. He gives a lot of mixed signals. But for some
reason I am still so drawn to him. I’m so hung up on him and I can’t even put
my finger on why!! He’s just an average dude. But for some reason I have
fallen really hard for him. I don’t know if it’s because he’s a challenge, or
because he’s just out of reach. I mean he lives in another state. I would have
to uproot my entire life if I ever wanted to take the next step with him. Maybe
that’s what I like? As I said before I like change, and I embrace it. Maybe I’m
so hungry for a big change, that the thought of running away for love is
enticing.
The last 2 months since my first trip to AZ have been a
roller coaster with him. One week he’s showering me with attention and sweet
talk and begging me to come back to see him, and the very next week I hardly
get a response from him and I’m chasing after him so bad that it leaves me
feeling very insignificant. I have tried to move on, in my own lame way. I have
gone out with other men, even slept with someone else just to prove to myself
that I’m still wanted. I hoped that if I threw myself into someone else I would
think about him less. Unfortunately it hasn’t been that easy. Although I was
able to prove to myself that other men still want me, I still found myself
thinking about him and feeling guilty for sleeping with someone else when all I
really want is his love and attention. So after that realization I finally took
him up on his offer to visit again with the plan in mind that I would use this
trip to see if this is really worth the effort I’m putting into it. I asked him
why he seems more distant, and his answer is always “I’m so sorry. It’s not you
at all, I’m just so stressed about work and finances.” Well, who can argue with
that? We’ve all been there. I planned to sit down with him on this trip and
ask him, straight up “What do you expect out of this?” Our conversations have
still had a very sexual tone to them, but we have also shared some huge secrets
with each other and I feel more connected to him. While planning this trip he
seemed very nervous for me to stay at his place. He was worried that I would be
less interested because his house is under construction. I assured him that I’m
not going to judge him because his house is a wreck. I put his mind at ease and
he thanked me for being so understanding. I was beyond excited to see him again
and spend a chill weekend really getting to know him.
As soon as he picked me up from the airport I was elated. He
was so sweet and seemed genuinely happy to have me there. We had nothing too
exciting planned for the weekend. We really just wanted to focus on getting to
know each other. When I got there he took me to his house to drop off my bag and show me around. From there we went out to have dinner and drinks. Conversation
is always effortless with him. We see eye to eye on almost everything. We make
each other laugh a lot and I quickly found myself falling harder for him. He
knew just what to say when I brought up sad stories. He joked about the same
stupid shit that always makes me laugh. I was reminded why I’m so hung up…because
he’s exactly what I want out of a man. Dating new men never feels THIS
comfortable. But between him and I, there’s no awkwardness at all. I felt like I
had known him forever. I felt like I was exactly where I should be. I finally
found the balls to ask that question I had been planning to ask. “So, Mr AZ, where do you see this going?” His
response “Only good places. I’m so happy you’re here with me.” “So am I. But what
do you expect out of this situation? I mean, in a perfect world, how would this
turn out?” “In a perfect world you wouldn’t live 300 miles away.” Perfect.
Exactly what I wanted to hear. The conversation proceeded and we both decided
that we should continue doing what we’re doing. I’m not ready to up and move
after only spending 2 weekends with him, and he wouldn’t ask me to uproot my
life just yet. I was content knowing that he was on the same page as me. Neither
of us want a long distance relationship, but we both agreed that what we have
is good. We will continue our monthly trips and go from there in the hopes that
this will continue to grow into something even more awesome than it already is.
The rest of the weekend was just as amazing. It was very
laid back and exactly what I wanted. I got to know so much about him, and
genuinely enjoyed every minute with him. Even just relaxing on the couch
cuddled up together felt perfect. The goodbye was tough, as expected. But I
thought it was sweet that as soon as he got to his truck, he texted me “Thank
you for coming, I had a great time and I can’t wait to see you again very soon.”
I told him I would miss him and that I would be looking forward to our next
trip. As soon as I got to work on Monday I found myself researching plane tickets
and planning my next visit. We exchanged a few shorts texts in the morning, and
everything seemed fine and great. I knew he was scheduled to work extra long hours this week, so I texted him later in the day and asked if he survived his
first super long day. When I didn’t get a response from him I figure he was off
work and went home and fell asleep. I know I would be overly exhausted after
working 12am-2pm. So I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t hear back. Later in the
night I noticed that he was on FB responding to his friends, and thought to
myself that he would text or call me shortly. But he didn’t. He hasn’t said 1
word to me since yesterday at 9am. He has taken the time to check his personal
ad, and respond to FB posts, but he hasn’t found the time to even say hi to me.
I know this may sound like I’m getting upset over nothing. But when I think
about it, he is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, and
the last thing I think of before falling asleep at night. Obviously, that’s not
the case with him. If it was, he would have responded. Right?
I cried this morning on my way to work. I have felt so down
the last 2 days and I don’t like it. I just want to be wanted as much as I want
him. I want to fall in love. I want someone to be as passionate about our
relationship as I am. When I’m into someone I put my all into making them happy
and showing them how important they are to me. Why don’t I get that in return?
Am I coming on too strong? Am I forcing something that isn’t there? Why can’t
he be real? Why would he pretend to be so into me and then ignore me like this?
I have other men texting me first thing in the morning to let me know they’re
thinking about me. I’ve been asked by more than one man to just give them a
chance to prove to me that I deserve to be treated like a queen. But I blow
these men off, because all I want is Mr AZ. But why, when he’s just fucking
with my emotions??
I think I have
decided I need to stop. I don’t want to feel sad and insignificant anymore. No
more trips to AZ. No more sexy text messages. No more putting effort into
something that clearly is not there. I reposted a personal ad and I’m planning
to move on. I really need to figure out how to not find my self-worth in what
others think of me. I need to stop trying to force something that is so clearly
one sided. If it was meant to be, it would be, so why push?? I wish I could be
content with being alone, but I’m not. I want true love. I feel like I deserve the
same honesty and passion that I bring to the table. I don’t want a relationship
that’s fake. I don’t want to be used because I’m willing to travel 300 miles to
spend a sex filled weekend with someone who puts no effort into showing me he
gives half a shit about me. I need to stop being so interested in men who are
challenging and realize there are other men out there who are genuinely
interested in starting something real with me, and not just looking to get in
my pants.
