Welcome to my shit storm..

Been a while, I know. I have started writing new posts a number of times, but after re reading them, have deleted and decided I need to be more honest with this. The purpose if this blog is not to get sympathy from anyone. It’s simply to help myself make sense of my thoughts. As a Scorpio I over think every single thing in my life. But sometimes writing down my thoughts helps me make sense of them, or at least shows me how pathetic I’m being. It’s tough for me to not sugar coat things and make it sound like everything is peachy when talking to friends. I try to convince myself everything is fine and great, by making everyone else around me believe it. But, right now I honestly don’t have the strength to put up a front. I’m a fucking wreck. I’m sad and lost and alone, and I HATE the way I feel right now. I have put so much work into making myself happy and learning how to be content with my life. It worked for a while. I was happy with my job, my current living situation, and so excited to be dating a man who seemed so trust worthy and honest. I was getting back into better shape, and feeling amazing about myself, for once. But, that has all seriously changed within a matter of days. Last week was BY FAR one of the shittiest weeks I have lived in a long ass time.

First, Mr. C and I broke up. (I will get into what happened in a bit.) I was laid off from my job, and I found out that I need to have a 2^nd surgery on my cervix to remove some severe pre-cancerous cells that are growing at a rapid pace. I’m overwhelmed and so stressed, to say the least. I have been crying for a week straight. I’m trying my hardest to not get discouraged, but right now that is almost impossible. On top of all that, I feel 100% alone. Remember, this is NOT for sympathy. I’m not fishing for anyone to tell me they’re here for me, and they’re my friend. I’m simply stating how I feel. I have lived in Vegas coming up on 6 years and honestly feel like I have not made 1 single genuine connection.  I understand that this is my fault, because I keep people at arms distance, but it doesn’t change the fact that it fucking sucks. Sure I have acquaintances and drinking buddies, but I don’t have anyone I feel I can cry to. I may have kept up the tough girl front too well. I don’t feel like I have anyone here that I can reach out to when I need comforting. After all the news was dropped on me last week, I fished around for anyone to hang out and take my mind off my current situation. I was happy that 2 people reached out and told me they would like to get together to get my mind off everything. Unfortunately, that was just bullshit, and when it came to the days I had plans with them, I did not hear from either. I literally sat home and cried all weekend. My phone did not ring 1 single time for days. And when I actually looked at recent calls and texts I realized that I’m usually the only person who reaches out to my friends, and when I do get a text from them, they are simply answering me back. None of them take the time to contact me first. I don’t know when the last time I got a “hey how are you, was just thinking about you.” kinda text from anyone. But I do know that I have sent those texts out. I know that when I see a friend in need of a hug, that I reach out to them and offer my support. I love my alone time until it’s the only option I have.

Pity party for 1!!!

I know this sounds pathetic, but it really makes me sad. I have obviously done something seriously wrong to have so few people give a shit about me. I will continue to be thankful for the very few friends I do have (please don’t think I forgot about my besties, of course you guys, you know who you are, are the exception to all this rambling.) I know that I’m not completely alone. I also understand that it’s tough to deal with someone who is so down on life and negative. I realize that maybe people have distanced themselves because they don’t know what to say to me. I get that. I just hope that I have never let any of you down, and that you know I’m here for all of you if you need me. I would hate to find out that any of my friends or acquaintances ever felt THIS level of alone. I wish I wouldn’t have distanced myself from so many people over the years. But, I can’t fix that now. I do vow to let the people who matter most to me know how much they mean to me more often. I promise that I will work on being more honest with myself, and everyone else. I apologize to any of you, if you have ever felt like I wasn’t a good friend. I will work my hardest to be genuine in my interactions with everyone from now on.  I don’t think that will fix the spot I’m in right now, but I hope that it will help me to not question my own integrity any more. I know I mean well, but do others know that as well? I’m trying to remind myself that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. But right about now, I really have no desire to gain strength. I feel so over whelmed, and don’t even know where to begin to get my life back in order.

So, back to the beginning of this shit storm. When I met Mr. C I was upset about the situation with Mr. AZ. It was a rebound type of plan for me to put myself out there so quickly in order to think less about the mistake I made with Mr. AZ. The first night I hung out with Mr. C I was shocked at how much we had in common. I was elated to find someone who seemed to be in exactly the same place in life, and who was searching for the same things. Everything he said made me happier and more interested. After dating him for a month, I was almost sure he was going to be the father of my children, and that man I would one day marry. He was the one who wanted to make things official with us, and made it clear he wouldn’t be seeing anyone else, and neither should I. I agreed, and was very happy to call him my “boyfriend.” But, boy was I wrong about him. We only dated for a total of about 3 ½ months, and in that time he did a complete 180. I have never met someone who was so good at manipulating me before in my life. He began to get controlling and jealous quickly, but I chalked it up to his level of commitment to me, and was happy that he cared so much. Things slowly began to unravel with him, and at the end it was clear that he was the complete opposite of “real” with me. A short while into our relationship he purchased us concert tickets and was so excited to take me. The last night we were together, he nonchalantly mentioned “oh yeah, by the way, I’m taking my brother to that concert, not you.” Since I knew the type of relationship he had with his brother, I knew this was 1 of 2 things, with the same outcome. If he truly would rather spend the time with his brother than me, something is definitely wrong. But, I was more sure that he was just full of shit and decided to take someone else (other than his brother) in my place. I didn’t bother to discuss this further, because at the time we had both been drinking. I made a mental note to bring this topic up at another time. As the night went on he made a couple more comments that I felt were totally embarrassing and disrespectful. He mentioned how I will never get a ring from him and that I should get over the idea and in the same breath that we do not “MAKE LOVE” we fuck. Again, I just made a mental note to discuss this later. After 1 last embarrassing comment “I’m ready to go home, so I can wake up with my dick in your mouth” we left the bar and headed back to my house. We were not there for more than 10 minutes when he proceeded to vomit allllllll over my bathroom, clog and over flow my toilet with paper towels while attempting to clean up the mess he made, then pass out on my bathroom floor. At that time I was livid and against my better judgment I checked the text messages in his phone and found that he did in fact make plans to take another girl to the concert in my place. At that very moment I knew I was done!! I waited for him to wake up on my bathroom floor, and told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. I said I don’t think you are anywhere near as into me as I thought you were, and left it at that. He didn’t ask any questions, I imagine he figured it was because of the puke all over my house. But he basically tucked his tail and went home. In the next few days we made plans to exchange our belongings and he asked if I would like to talk about it. I said no, and our last interaction was all of about 10 seconds. He couldn’t even look at me in the face. I can’t even begin to explain how disappointed I am by this. Mostly at myself. I really believed that I was a good judge of character, but I was beyond wrong about Mr. C. He has proved to me once again that trustworthy and honest people are very hard to come by. As much as I would like to blame myself for trusting and believing that he was falling for me, and that we had a future together, I refuse. The fact is, he was a good liar. I’m sorry I got wrapped up in his lies. I’m sorry I believed anything that came out of his mouth. But I’m thankful that I was quick to end it.

As far as the work situation; I’m confident this happened for a damn good reason. Sure it was bad timing, but when is it ever a good time to lose your job? My last day is 11/2, and I have severance pay after that, but I’m hoping to get a transfer and not have to leave the company. I cannot allow myself to stress about this right now, because frankly I don’t have any more give a damn left. When it comes to the medical shit, I honestly can’t even wrap my head around it. Overwhelmed is a total under-statement.  I’m a strong girl, and I’m sure I’ll be able to laugh at all of this soon. But for now, I’m really just hoping to find the strength in myself to pull myself out of this funk. I’m tired of crying and being sad. 

Part Time Lover

This post could quite possibly make you all hate me. It seems like I only blog about once a month while PMSing. LOL Today I’m not hormonal, I’m just irritated at myself. I’m frustrated at the stupid shit I get myself into. So, do me a favor after reading this…don’t handle me with care. Let me have it…I need to be kicked around a bit right now.

So, ya’ll know the story of Mr. AZ, right? In my last post I swore him off, never again to travel for him, or send sexy texts, or put any more effort into him at all. Done and done. I did well for a second. I posted a new personal ad and I put myself out there again. I wasn’t going to let myself stay sad over Mr AZ. So, I wiped my tears away and exactly 1 week after I got back from my last trip to AZ, I met an amazing new man. We’ll call him Mr Cricket. Let me just start by saying that he is incredible. He’s smokin’ hot, super funny, weird as hell, crude, and we have a lot of the same values. (hehe Neck, does that make you think of the pictures I keep forwarding to you?) We’re in about the same spot in life. Neither of us has baggage (ex wife/husband drama, kids, etc) and we’re both ready to grow up and live happily ever after. The best thing about him is that he seems to genuinely like me…a lot, and he’s not afraid to commit. In fact he took his ad down as we sat and had a beer the very first night we met. Since then we have spent quite a bit of time together and have decided to date exclusively. He even met 1 of the besties AND she liked him!! :) Things are progressing well with us. I like him more and more every time I see him, and I’m really looking forward to seeing where things go with us.

Now here’s where I confess how stupid I am. Ready? All of the distance that I tried to put between Mr. AZ and I only made him try harder, which would be great if I didn’t meet someone LOCAL who makes me really happy. We are still talking almost daily. I have turned down the sexy level, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t still go there with him. There is still something about him that draws me to him like a magnet. He brings up coming out to visit me every now and then, and has offered to fly me out a couple times lately. I’ve tried to just kinda change the subject when he brings it up, but last night I agreed to go out there again. All of the “I fucking miss you!!”s worked on me. I miss him too, and I honestly really want to go see him. I’m not sure why I’m finding it so damn difficult to walk the hell away from him! I know he’s no good for me. I know he’s stringing me along for a once a month weekend fling. He straight up told me “I like you a lot but I don’t see how things could ever progress in a healthy way because we’re in different states.” I reminded him of the talk we had about me moving there if we ever decided to take the next step, then I asked him if he could see any possibility of things ever being more with us, and he didn’t answer. He has made it more than clear that things won’t move forward between us. But, he still misses me. He still thinks about me enough to text me daily. And he still has something that makes it feel impossible to close that chapter and move forward.

I want to go, so bad. How fucked up is that? I told Mr. Cricket that I was super hung up on a dude in AZ before we met and that was the reason I posted my personal ad, to help move on from a long distance relationship that was never anything very serious. But Mr. AZ knows nothing about Mr. Cricket. Neck brought up something which made me think about the situation a little more. I told her I want double standards…that I want to be able to keep Mr. Cricket, and still have something with Mr. AZ on the side. Since he’s so far away, it wouldn’t really be hard to keep them from finding out about each other. But Neck says “How would you feel if Mr. Cricket had a part time lover?” Hmm. I am very much a Scorpio, y’all. And that means I am a jealous bitch. I most definitely would NOT be ok with Mr. Cricket having a part time lover, even if it was a long distance one. But does the thought bother me enough to let go of Mr. AZ?? No. :-\

I’m pissed at myself. I like Mr. Cricket so soo much. But since the thing with Mr. AZ is so much like a fairytale, I’m finding it hard to just leave it be. I still want so much to run away and move to a new state for love and have this great new adventure with a man who I’m nuts over. But, I have this super hot amazing man here in town, who is pretty damn close to perfect. I’m not willing to let either one of them go. WTF does Mr. AZ have that Mr. Cricket doesn’t? I feel like such an asshole. I would be really sad if I found out either one of them was playing bullshit games like this with me, but it still doesn’t stop me from doing it. I always say I don’t want the games that come along with dating, but I’m playing them myself!! No wonder I can’t find a genuine connection with a real man. Because when I find one, I act like a fucking 16 year old slut. I know I need to cut ties with Mr. AZ, but how? Do I just continue to love both of them and see where it goes before I burn any bridges? Or do I stop all contact with Mr. AZ and give Mr. Cricket a true shot? Does the fact that I can’t give up Mr. AZ mean that Mr. Cricket can’t really be Mr. Right??

Seriously…I’m 30, perhaps it’s time to act like it.

I've acquired quite a taste for a well made mistake...

I’m warning you now, this is blog entry is chalk full of self pitty, and frankly, after reading over it it’s kind of pathetic. But I need to get this shit out. I can’t handle it taking up space in my head, and I’m hoping that maybe you all can help me make sense of this.

Why is it that we always want what we can’t have? Why does it seem like a challenge is so much more fun than something that just lands in your lap? If you ask my bestie, it’s just part of being a girl.

I took a second trip out to Phoenix to see Mr AZ this past weekend. I have been on the fence about how I should handle the relationship with him since my last trip. He gives a lot of mixed signals. But for some reason I am still so drawn to him. I’m so hung up on him and I can’t even put my finger on why!! He’s just an average dude. But for some reason I have fallen really hard for him. I don’t know if it’s because he’s a challenge, or because he’s just out of reach. I mean he lives in another state. I would have to uproot my entire life if I ever wanted to take the next step with him. Maybe that’s what I like? As I said before I like change, and I embrace it. Maybe I’m so hungry for a big change, that the thought of running away for love is enticing.

The last 2 months since my first trip to AZ have been a roller coaster with him. One week he’s showering me with attention and sweet talk and begging me to come back to see him, and the very next week I hardly get a response from him and I’m chasing after him so bad that it leaves me feeling very insignificant. I have tried to move on, in my own lame way. I have gone out with other men, even slept with someone else just to prove to myself that I’m still wanted. I hoped that if I threw myself into someone else I would think about him less. Unfortunately it hasn’t been that easy. Although I was able to prove to myself that other men still want me, I still found myself thinking about him and feeling guilty for sleeping with someone else when all I really want is his love and attention. So after that realization I finally took him up on his offer to visit again with the plan in mind that I would use this trip to see if this is really worth the effort I’m putting into it. I asked him why he seems more distant, and his answer is always “I’m so sorry. It’s not you at all, I’m just so stressed about work and finances.” Well, who can argue with that? We’ve all been there. I planned to sit down with him on this trip and ask him, straight up “What do you expect out of this?” Our conversations have still had a very sexual tone to them, but we have also shared some huge secrets with each other and I feel more connected to him. While planning this trip he seemed very nervous for me to stay at his place. He was worried that I would be less interested because his house is under construction. I assured him that I’m not going to judge him because his house is a wreck. I put his mind at ease and he thanked me for being so understanding. I was beyond excited to see him again and spend a chill weekend really getting to know him.

As soon as he picked me up from the airport I was elated. He was so sweet and seemed genuinely happy to have me there. We had nothing too exciting planned for the weekend. We really just wanted to focus on getting to know each other. When I got there he took me to his house to drop off my bag and show me around. From there we went out to have dinner and drinks. Conversation is always effortless with him. We see eye to eye on almost everything. We make each other laugh a lot and I quickly found myself falling harder for him. He knew just what to say when I brought up sad stories. He joked about the same stupid shit that always makes me laugh. I was reminded why I’m so hung up…because he’s exactly what I want out of a man. Dating new men never feels THIS comfortable. But between him and I, there’s no awkwardness at all. I felt like I had known him forever. I felt like I was exactly where I should be. I finally found the balls to ask that question I had been planning to ask. “So, Mr AZ, where do you see this going?” His response “Only good places. I’m so happy you’re here with me.” “So am I. But what do you expect out of this situation? I mean, in a perfect world, how would this turn out?” “In a perfect world you wouldn’t live 300 miles away.” Perfect. Exactly what I wanted to hear. The conversation proceeded and we both decided that we should continue doing what we’re doing. I’m not ready to up and move after only spending 2 weekends with him, and he wouldn’t ask me to uproot my life just yet. I was content knowing that he was on the same page as me. Neither of us want a long distance relationship, but we both agreed that what we have is good. We will continue our monthly trips and go from there in the hopes that this will continue to grow into something even more awesome than it already is.

The rest of the weekend was just as amazing. It was very laid back and exactly what I wanted. I got to know so much about him, and genuinely enjoyed every minute with him. Even just relaxing on the couch cuddled up together felt perfect. The goodbye was tough, as expected. But I thought it was sweet that as soon as he got to his truck, he texted me “Thank you for coming, I had a great time and I can’t wait to see you again very soon.” I told him I would miss him and that I would be looking forward to our next trip. As soon as I got to work on Monday I found myself researching plane tickets and planning my next visit. We exchanged a few shorts texts in the morning, and everything seemed fine and great. I knew he was scheduled to work extra long hours this week, so I texted him later in the day and asked if he survived his first super long day. When I didn’t get a response from him I figure he was off work and went home and fell asleep. I know I would be overly exhausted after working 12am-2pm. So I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t hear back. Later in the night I noticed that he was on FB responding to his friends, and thought to myself that he would text or call me shortly. But he didn’t. He hasn’t said 1 word to me since yesterday at 9am. He has taken the time to check his personal ad, and respond to FB posts, but he hasn’t found the time to even say hi to me. I know this may sound like I’m getting upset over nothing. But when I think about it, he is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think of before falling asleep at night. Obviously, that’s not the case with him. If it was, he would have responded. Right?

I cried this morning on my way to work. I have felt so down the last 2 days and I don’t like it. I just want to be wanted as much as I want him. I want to fall in love. I want someone to be as passionate about our relationship as I am. When I’m into someone I put my all into making them happy and showing them how important they are to me. Why don’t I get that in return? Am I coming on too strong? Am I forcing something that isn’t there? Why can’t he be real? Why would he pretend to be so into me and then ignore me like this? I have other men texting me first thing in the morning to let me know they’re thinking about me. I’ve been asked by more than one man to just give them a chance to prove to me that I deserve to be treated like a queen. But I blow these men off, because all I want is Mr AZ. But why, when he’s just fucking with my emotions??

I think I have decided I need to stop. I don’t want to feel sad and insignificant anymore. No more trips to AZ. No more sexy text messages. No more putting effort into something that clearly is not there. I reposted a personal ad and I’m planning to move on. I really need to figure out how to not find my self-worth in what others think of me. I need to stop trying to force something that is so clearly one sided. If it was meant to be, it would be, so why push?? I wish I could be content with being alone, but I’m not. I want true love. I feel like I deserve the same honesty and passion that I bring to the table. I don’t want a relationship that’s fake. I don’t want to be used because I’m willing to travel 300 miles to spend a sex filled weekend with someone who puts no effort into showing me he gives half a shit about me. I need to stop being so interested in men who are challenging and realize there are other men out there who are genuinely interested in starting something real with me, and not just looking to get in my pants.

If you expect perfection from other people, your whole life is a series of disappointments...

As y’all can see I made it home safe. I had a great time in AZ and I think I’m glad I went, still on the fence about that one. I’m trying my hardest to remind myself what I kept telling Mr. AZ before I left, which was “if nothing else, we will at least have made a new friend.” But I’d be lying if I said that friendship was all I expected out of this trip. I never would have traveled out of state for a “booty call.” I get plenty of sexual attention from men here in town, and if I just wanted to get laid I could have gone to any bar and taken a random dude home. But, like I said I was drawn to Mr. AZ. I saw great potential in him, and was hoping to begin a new chapter in my life. We talked about “what if this weekend is better than great.” And the answer was that I would pick up and move to AZ. As you all know, I’m not scared to jump before looking. I moved to Las Vegas on a whim, and I definitely don’t regret my decision to do so. I believe life is about taking chances, and I also believe that anything worthwhile is going to be a little bit uncomfortable at first. If we lived our lives just sticking to what we were comfortable doing, we wouldn’t be living much at all, would we? Change is good and I embrace it. I couldn’t help but smile when one of my girls said “I hope he sweeps you off your feet.” I hoped for exactly that. I was hesitant to let him pick me up from the airport, because I was trying to play it safe. I didn’t want him to know what hotel I was staying at, just in case he was a super creeper. But, he insisted that he would feel like an asshole if he let me take a cab in a city I had never been. So I gave in, and let him pick me up. I had a stomach full of angry butterflies the whole hour plane ride. But as soon as my plane touched down I somehow felt at ease. I stepped off the plane my price charming was waiting for me with a huge smile on his face and a single rose. Sounds like a cheesy romantic movie, right? He was better than I expected, 6 feet and 4 inches of EXACTLY what I want in a man. YUM!! I was elated with the big tight squeeze he gave me and the level of comfort I felt instantly. There was no awkwardness at all. We didn’t shut up the whole drive to the hotel, which was about 45 minutes away from the airport. I picked a hotel in Downtown Scottsdale because there were all kinds of bars and restaurants within walking distance. I checked in and took a few minutes to freshen up and we walked to a nearby bar and had dinner and drinks and continued the effortless conversation. I had a great time. I don’t think I stopped smiling all night. After a handful of beers paired with shots of Patron the conversation turned to “what made you come out here?” I just repeated all the reasons I had already given him when we originally made the plan. He was very complementary and we agreed that there was just something between us that we felt we needed to explore. That’s when the conversation turned to “I’m glad you came, but I don’t want a long distance relationship.” K Did he really make me travel 300 miles to tell me that? Did he REALLY make me come all that way to AZ just because he thought I’d be an easy lay?? My head was too clouded by the Patron shots to think too far into it. So, I left it at that. I told him that I didn’t necessarily want a long distance thing either, but that I was hoping by the end of t he weekend we would want to see each other again. The night progressed wonderfully, and of course he stayed in the hotel with me. I went to sleep next to him feeling completely secure and content. When I woke up I found myself in kind of a somber mood. What was I doing!? Why was I there?? Why did he lead me to believe that this was more than just a weekend fling??? Or did he?? Maybe that’s only what I wanted to believe?? Thinking back on the tones of the majority of our conversations leading up to me going out there…yep. I answered my own questions. Wow, at that point I felt more than foolish. I knew there was a sexual vibe between us, but I also wanted to believe there was more to it. Silly girl. In my somber mood, I cut off the sexy. We had a great time exploring Phoenix together. He showed me around, and I honestly fell in love with the city…and him. L I still don’t know if there was more to it. It seemed like he may have changed his mind by the end of Sunday. When he took me to the airport he couldn’t let go of me. He sat with me until my plane boarded and he even got a tear in his eye when I turned to give him one last kiss with tears streaming down my face. He didn’t want me to leave any more than I wanted to leave him. But, since I’ve been back things have not felt the same. I don’t know how to ask him “what the fuck??” without actually saying “WHAT THE FUCK!!”  I asked him if I was what he expected and his reply was “I think so. I’m glad you came.” I asked him when he was going to come see me, and he said financially he can’t right now. So, I dropped it. I have changed the tone of our conversations to just friendly. I told him that I don’t like missing someone who is so far out of reach. His reply was “too bad cuz I’m not done with you yet.” WTF?? Just today he asked me if I would come back out there. Of course I said yes. But I’m still not sold on the idea. I think I expect too much out of people. That may just be why I’m 30 and single. I have been on the other end of this relationship far too many times. I’m trying to find signs of how I treat the dudes who get too hung up on me. So far, it feels like the more I pull back, the more he pushes forward. But, if he doesn’t want a long distance relationship, what am I doing?? I’m 30!! I feel like I don’t have time to be wasting, if it’s really going to be just wasted time. I’ve spent 8 years of my adult life in relationships I knew were going nowhere! I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life. I want to get married and have 2.5 kids and live happily ever after, like everyone else. I need help with this, guys!!! Please give me some advice! Where do I go with this? I’m honestly CRAZY about this man, but something tells me, I may be the only one. So, do I take him up on his offer, and go back to Phoenix? Or do I stop while I’m ahead before I get hurt?? I’m the one who says life is about taking chances, but I don’t know that I want to put the time and effort into this if it’s just going to be a waste in the long run!
HELP!!! KEven my Horoscope knows my business...

...If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing. You may find you're missing all the rest...

I know it’s been far too long since I have blogged. I’m still working on getting into this. I need to remind myself how much better it makes me feel to put everything down on paper, rather than letting it float around in my head and take up space. I’ve been working so much on learning how to make myself happy, and trying to find my place in life. For my entire adult life I have been more concerned with making sure other people are happy, that I let myself go. When I finally realized that I had been neglecting myself for so many years, I found myself in a place where I didn’t even know where to begin getting back to good.

 

As you all know I have an older sister who is my everything. I don’t know how any girl could ever live without having a sister. Krista’s my built in best friend. I love her more than life itself. She is the one person in my world who 100% gets me. When I have guy troubles, I don’t even have to explain why I did what I did, she already knows. She has the same “daddy issues” as me and my actions make total sense to her. We love each other unconditionally, which sometimes can be trying, because neither one of us are perfect. And often times we tend to hurt the ones closest to us, because of the comfort level. Regardless my sister and her son are the most important people in my life. They are the only people I would lay my life down for without hesitation. Hunter, my nephew, has taught me how much love I have in my heart. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love that little guy. I tend to worry more about Krista and Hunter than I do myself. Growing up Krista always played the big sister and protector role. But when I was about 21 things quickly turned around 180 degrees. I will never know for sure what made her go from responsible mothering big sister, to where she is now. But if I had to guess I’d say maybe its genetics? Unfortunately my sister has picked up the mental instability my mother has. I’ll get back to Krista in just a minute. First let me explain a little about this instability;

 

 In my last blog I mentioned that my mother is agoraphobic. Most of you know me so well, and I have shared what that means. The dictionary definition of the disorder is – An abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, accompanied by panic attacks. Growing up with an agoraphobic mother was not easy, to say the least. She was a total embarrassment to me. We always had to stay super close to home. We never got to travel or vacation. She had major panic attacks, often in public. I can vividly remember many times being in a shopping mall and her dropping to the floor and hyperventilating and crying hysterically. Imagine being a teenager, and having your mother do that. I HATED it!!! I was beyond embarrassed and mad at her for constantly causing a scene. I never found any compassion for her disorder. I always knew it was more mental than real life. I just wanted to slap her and yell “get over yourself!!!” Yes, I know she had a terrible childhood, but I still didn’t play into the disorder. I hated it so much that I refused to let myself fall into that pattern. My sister and brother were not so lucky. Perhaps they weren’t as angry at her anxiety as I am. Or maybe they really have some sort of genetic chemical imbalance. I’m not a doctor, and I have no idea why I turned out this way, and they find themselves having panic attacks and are consumed by constant anxiety. I’m thankful I didn’t pick up on it. But it breaks my heart to see how unstable Krista has become.

 

 When I was 18 and Krista 20, we moved to Corona and had a cute little condo. I was always more irresponsible and boy crazy than Krista. I was much more concerned about having a good time, then growing up and acting like an adult. We lived in our cute little condo for nearly 4 years. By that time I was 21, almost 22 and had become a pro at partying. I got caught up in cocaine and methamphetamines and of course shared the love of the drugs with my older much more responsible sister. I think maybe that chemical imbalance was probably always there, but something major changed in her when she started doing drugs. She began hanging out with a different crowd, and became much more out spoken and wild. We moved back down to OC at that time. After a while Krista started dating Sean, Hunter’s dad, and I was dating “the lying cheating man” mentioned in my first blog. For the first time ever we distanced ourselves from each other. I will always blame myself for the path Krista took when I wasn’t there with her. She started to drink heavily and continued to use drugs. We would see each other maybe once a month for the year or so. I was wrapped up in my party, and she was wrapped up in her own. On Halloween of 2004, I was at the dentist having my wisdom teeth pulled. My phone was ringing off the hook while I was in the chair, but obviously I wasn’t able to get up and answer it. Once I got done I checked my phone to find several missed calls and voice mail messages from Krista. I was in too much pain to call her back, and figured how important could it really be anyway. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have ignored those calls. I’ll never forgive myself for doing so. After an hour of resting at home I got a text message that read “I really needed you today. But, I know you’re too busy. I just swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, and washed them down with a bottle of vodka.” My heart sank and I immediately called her back. No answer. I called her about 20 times, with no answer. I had just taken a bunch of pain meds and knew I wouldn’t be able to drive. I didn’t have her address. All I had was the home phone number. I dialed 911 and gave them the information I had and luckily they were able to locate the house she was living in. At that point I contacted every hospital in the area and I finally found out which one admitted her. I then called a friend to pick me up and take me to the hospital to see her. I have never felt so terrible for ignoring a call in my life. If I would have just answered she never would have felt alone enough to swallow those pills. How selfish can you be?? She was crying out for help, and I ignored her! I will never forgive myself for that. I visited her in the hospital that night as long as I could. The next day she was transferred to a mental health facility, and I visited her every day she was there. I hated seeing her in a place like that, but I was so scared for her to be released. They kept her for the maximum 72 hour hold, and released her with a grocery list of new meds. She has since been diagnosed bipolar. She continues to have panic attacks and episodes of complete mania. And since then I have felt completely responsible for her well being. A couple years after this she had Hunter, which made me worry even more.

 

 I don’t think anyone will understand the relationship we have today. Krista has done many things that nobody else could get away with. She slept with the lying cheating man, she used my social security number to open accounts she could not get approved for, she pocketed rent money and had me evicted, she has stolen a lot of money, clothes, drugs, etc. But, she’s still my sister, and I still love her unconditionally. I will always forgive her for taking advantage of me, and will never hold a grudge. When I decided to up and move to Las Vegas, she followed me. I lived in the same house with her most of the 5 years I have lived here in Vegas. I lived in her relationship and I helped raise her son. I lived her life. I couldn’t worry about myself, because I was too worried about making sure she was happy. And I lost myself in the process.

 

 A year ago last month Krista decided to move back “home” to CA. Letting go was the hardest thing ever. I couldn’t imagine living without seeing my Hunter every day. And I didn’t want to let go of Krista either. But, it was time for me to live my own life. At that time I went out on my own. My last BF and I talked about moving in together, but at that point I was well aware our relationship was not going to last. So, I took a huge leap and got my own place…all alone. One month later I ended my relationship. And at that point it became painfully obvious that I needed to learn how to make myself happy again. I was all alone, for the first time in my life. I had no idea where to go from there. I find it’s really hard to focus on making myself happy, when I’m so used to making others happy instead. In fact, when bad things happen to people I care most about, I often wish I could take all the heart ache on for them. For some reason I feel like I’m more equip to handle stress and sadness. Or maybe I just don’t like to see other people suffer. It’s much easier to focus on someone else, than it is to own up to the fact that I didn’t even know how to make myself happy anymore.

 

 Since Krista moved back “Home” to CA, I’ve made several trips back to visit. Ever since I moved to Las Vegas I always told myself I would move “home” one day. I have focused a lot on the idea of moving home in the 5+ years I’ve been gone. But, I have to say after my last trip back, CA is no longer home for me. I will always miss it, and of course I wish I could be closer to my friends, sister, and Hunter. But my last trip was a huge reality check. “Home” no longer feels comfy and welcoming. In fact it’s the exact opposite. The point of the trip was to celebrate Hunter’s 5^th birthday. We had a great time at his party, and it always makes me feel so special to soak up the love he has for me. But that was the only positive part of the trip. I always try to make an effort to see as many of my friends and family as possible every time I go back. This trip was no different. As usual I made plans to have dinner and drinks, and invited everyone I miss the most to join me. Of course, Necky, my bestie, spent as much time with me as she could. I got to catch up with a couple old friends who I hadn’t seen since I moved away, which was awesome. I invited my little brother, who had just turned 21 weeks before, his girlfriend, and my step father to join as well. I had fun catching up with them until the drinking became a little out of hand. Multiple rounds of shots were ordered and soon the 3 of them were wasted. After they disappeared for a while I got a text from my brother’s girlfriend saying that they left because Tyler was throwing up. Of course, I remember being 21 so no big deal. We had plans to meet up for breakfast in the morning anyway. So, at that point I moved over and hung out with Sean, Hunter’s dad and his group of friends, one of which became very inappropriate making comments to Necky and I about our boobs because apparently being in your late 30s is still not too old to act like a horny teenage boy. Necky’s boyfriend had enough and they decided to leave. At that point we decided to pay the bill. That’s when I realized that everything that was consumed had been placed on my bill, nearly $500 worth of food and drinks. I had allotted $100 for the night because I planned to have a good time, but $500!??! That was my rent!! I called, texted, and emailed my brother and step father and let them know that there was no way I could afford to cover their portion of the bill, and that I wouldn’t be making it to breakfast in the morning because I was tapped out. No response. No “I’m sorry I forgot to pay my tab.” No “Sorry, I thought you were covering it for me.” Nothing. No response at all. Luckily Necky split the bill with me. But, I am still beyond hurt that neither of them can even respond to me. It’s known that I live pay check to paycheck. I’m on a tight budget, and don’t have $500 to blow on a night of drinking. But obviously, they don’t care. In fact the only I have heard from then in the past 2 months since then was both of them asking for favors. No apology or even acknowledgment of anything that happened that night. After that I was on a mission to get drunk. Necky left and I spent the remainder of the night drinking with Sean and his friends. The inappropriate pig continued to be inappropriate, so much so that he put his hands on me, at which point I pushed him to the floor more than once. I didn’t care how big of a scene I caused. I had been disrespected in so many ways that night that I felt like it couldn’t get any worse. All I wanted to do was hop on the first flight back home and get out of there. That is exactly the type of bullshit negativity I don’t need in my life.

 

 Since then I have been making a conscious effort to get to know myself again. I’ve made a point of learning to be happy with where I am. I’ve turned my little apartment into a home. I finally don’t feel like I have 1 foot out the door anymore. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, and have dropped a ton of negativity. I’ve learned let go of toxic relationships, even if they are with family. And I honestly feel better than I have in years. I quit smoking cigarettes, going on 9 months now. I quit smoking weed daily, and haven’t purchased any in over a month now. I’ve been working on getting healthy and losing weight. I’m proud to say I have lost 30+ pounds. For the first time in years I am under 200 pounds and wearing a size I haven’t worn since I was 21 and on drugs. Obviously I still have work to do, but I am well on my way to being exactly who I want to be. I will always be a work in progress, but I can honestly say that I’m happy. Of course I still have my issues with men, but I’m working on it. I met someone online who I see great potential in. The only downfall is that he lives in AZ. But, I’m taking a leap and hopping on a plane this weekend headed to Phoenix to meet him. Life is about taking chances right?? I will have to update you all when I return, because I really feel like this might just be a new chapter in my life. Wish me luck, y’all!

My Daddy Gave Me a Name...Then He Walked Away

Let me start by saying this whole blogging thing is completely new to me. I’m only writing this to help myself make sense of my life and my current state of alone. Don’t get me wrong, I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I finally have my life together…for the most part. I have a job that I love. My own little place that almost feels like home, which is something I have not felt in more than 10 years. I have the most amazing friends that I love and cherish like family. I’m working very hard at making myself happy, and have learned to let go of MOST of the negative bullshit in my life. Sounds great, right?? Well, I still have some work to do. Let me explain…

I’m a 30 year old single female. I’ve never been married and I have no children. I was raised by my agoraphobic and psychologically unstable mother, who was always too concerned about her own issues to take notice of mine. She taught me how to be codependent and that life isn’t whole unless you have a man to take care of you. And my step father, who was always just out of reach emotionally and cared much more about money and material possesions than real life. I have an older sister, who I love more than anyone in the world, unfortunately she inherited the psychological issues my mother has. And a younger half brother, who was basically raised as an only child and treated much differently than Krista or I. Don’t get me wrong, there was love in our home, but it wasn’t expressed the way I needed it to be. It was expressed in either gifts or punishments. My step father made it clear that he was a STEP father, and nothing more than that. He took care of us financially, but when it came to emotions the only one I ever saw from him was anger. We rarely heard I love yous, or got hugs or kisses. I will always love and respect both my mother and step father, for stepping up and raising my sister and me, when the man responsible for us was nowhere to be found. I love Chris because he’s the only father figure I have ever had, and I am forever thankful for him.

My biological father, who WAS my everything for the first few years of my life, left when I was 4, and never returned. That very event shaped much of the issues I’m trying to make sense of today. The absence of my father consumed me as a young girl. I spent my entire childhood wishing my dad was there, wondering what I must have done to make him leave and stay gone. Wondering if the void I felt was mine alone. Did he miss me? Did he think about me on my birthday?? On Christmas??? Ever???? I tried many times, with no luck to contact him. I lived in the same home he shared with my mother until I was 17 years old, even had the same phone number all those years. Still, he never showed up. The last time I saw my dad was 12/24/85. Why do I remember that? It was Christmas Eve. Every single Christmas after that I wished for him to return. That makes 24 un-merry Christmases for this girl. This explains why I’m still not a fan of that Holiday.

I gave up trying to find my missing dad when I was about 12, after a heartbreaking phone call to my paternal grandmother who didn’t remember me. Recently I got back in touch with him. Not because I tried…and especially not because he tried. His girlfriend found my sister and me on Classmates.com. After ALL those years I finally got to hear his side of the story about why he was gone. It all made sense to me. My mother’s and his story added up for the most part, and I forgave him for all the heartache he caused me instantly. I was secretly thrilled that I was finally going to get to know the man who I spent my entire life wishing, dreaming, and longing for. I was finally going to get back to being Daddy’s Girl. That was 7 years ago, I’ve heard his voice twice, but still have not met him. Why?? Because he still makes no effort whatsoever to know me. He still rejects me. Yes, I get the random texts every few months telling me he’s thinking about me and loves me. But, that’s all I ever get. And again, I’m disappointed by him. How can he get a second chance to be my daddy, with little to no questions asked, and just blow it off? After 20 something years, how is he still not able to muster up the effort to see me?? I look JUST like him!

I am proud of the woman I have made myself, with no thanks to my father. I have overcome so much to get to where I am today. I’m smart, funny, caring, beautiful, and most of all, I’m STRONG!!! I am far better off emotionally than my older sister. But, unfortunately I have some serious issues when it comes to romantic relationships. My father was my first experience with the feeling of rejection. Since then I have hungered so much for the love and attention of men. As early as my preteen years, I remember trying to get older men to pay attention to me. I learned very early what gets a man’s attention. I had 2 very inappropriate relationships with men in their 20s when I was just barely 12 or 13. Funny that my own mother allowed these interactions. The first was with a member of my step father’s family. Although we never actually had intercourse, there were a couple years of sleep overs and lots of touching and inappropriate behavior. My first sexual experience, also not intercourse, was around that time, with a man who was a construction worker working on a neighbor’s home. He was told by my mother, that he could use the swimming pool in our back yard whenever he wanted. Well, he took her up on that offer, and he used more than the swimming pool. After that experience, I knew exactly what it took to get men to like me. It felt good to finally get some of the attention I wanted so badly. I never dated boys my age in high school. I would always shoot for the much older men. At 19 I got pregnant after a one night stand with a guy I knew for all of maybe 30 minutes. After speaking with friends, and trying my hardest to get back in touch with the impregnator, I decided to have an abortion. That would be the start of a very unhealthy pattern in my life. I honestly cannot even tell you how many men I slept with between my teen years and my early 20s. But if I had to guess, I would say 40, 50, maybe 60…ish. I would never be able to name them all, hell I probably didn’t even know all their names. Are you proud of me now, Dad?? After a good 10 years of f*cking any and every man who looked at me, I began to realize that I still felt alone. Maybe this wasn’t the attention I had been craving.

At that point I entered into a relationship with a married man. Now THAT made me feel wanted. He showered me with attention and constant gifts and compliments. Then he would go home to his wife at night. After a few months he left his wife and 3 year old son and moved in with me. Shortly after that I got pregnant. 5 months into my pregnancy I found out his wife was also pregnant. At that time I had my 2^nd abortion. Yep, 5 months into my pregnancy. Yeah, that means I was showing. Yeah, that means I heard the heartbeat, found out the sex, picked out a name, and planned to be the mother of this baby boy. I rationalized with myself, told myself it was ok because “how could I be tied to a man who could walk away from his babies, much like my own father walked away from me? How could I expect a man who left his wife, 3 year old son, and unborn baby to be any better of a husband or father for me or my child??.” I stayed with that man for 2 years after that. After the first few months the “new and exciting” wore off and he began cheating on me with his wife. This, my friends, is what you call Karma. I was well aware he was cheating since his wife would periodically call me and let me know, or show up at my home with her new baby and 3 year old son. It took me 2 whole years of this before I mustered up the strength to get out. Since I really wasn’t strong enough to walk away from the only man I thought actually loved me, I ran instead. I ran away from my safe secure home in Orange County, where all my best friends were, where I knew and loved everything, where I grew up. I ran away from the only place I ever knew as home. I ran all the way to Las Vegas. I can’t say I regret making the decision to leave, but I do think I could have handled things differently.

For the first year that I lived in Vegas that same cheating lying man came to visit me often. He still told me he loved me, and I still believed him. He began giving the attention and compliments he showered me with in the beginning. It didn’t take me long to get pregnant again, this time with twins. Well, after millions of tears and countless hours of begging him to let me move back home to CA so that we could make this work, I finally realized, this man didn’t really love me. There was that same feeling of rejection that I felt so many times before. So, again I had an abortion.

After that I promised myself I was done with lying cheating men. I found a great job, and began to love my new life in Vegas. I started to make friends, and began to feel content again. Of course I was still on my constant hunt for the man of my dreams. The one who would love me forever unconditionally the way I always dreamed. I started spending time with a younger and much more emotionally damaged coworker. I was not attracted to him physically, but he gave me attention in a non sexual way. See, that was me trying to change the type of man I was always after. A younger guy could never get the upper hand, right?? Things progressed with him, and although I knew I was never in love with him I pretended to be. He loved me so much, and that’s exactly what I thought I wanted. He helped me get through a very trying time in my life. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer shortly after we started dating. I leaned on him a lot during that time. Our relationship became more of an addiction than love. We moved in together, and I found it more and more difficult to pretend to love him. So, I up and moved out one day. No warning, no consideration at all. Just got up while he was at work, packed all my shit, sent him a heartless email stating “I am not in love with you” and I left before he got home. But, I was so uncomfortable with the thought of being alone and losing that unconditional love he had for me that I apologized endlessly to him, and made him take me back, still fully knowing that I didn’t love him and didn’t really want to be with him. Of course, to show him how much I cared I turned on the sexiness, because I still knew exactly how to make a man want me. Needless to say, I ended up pregnant…again. Since he never wanted children, and we both knew our relationship couldn’t handle the stress of raising a child, guess what I did?? Yep, I had another abortion. Keeping count?? That makes 4. We stayed together after that and our relationship became more and more unhealthy. We drank constantly and argued about EVERYTHING. Things became physical, sex completely ceased and it was clear that this wasn’t going to work. This was the first time that I know for sure that I broke someone’s heart. He never knew that I was never really in love with him. But, I knew all along that I didn’t love him, yet I strung him along for 4 whole years.

Since the 4 year fake relationship ended not quite 1 year ago, I have fallen back into making the same mistakes. I don’t know how to fix the relationship I have with men and sex. But I do know that I deserve much more than what I’ve been getting. I throw myself at every man I meet. I fall in love completely and whole heartedly with anyone who shows me the slightest bit of attention. I take a man’s word for gold and believe everything that comes out of his mouth. I picture myself married to every man I date. I’m constantly on the hunt for my future husband. I’m consumed by the desire for love and affection from a man. I shop around on dating sites, I dress provocatively, I get drunk and take random men home with me, and I f*ck on the first date. Shit, who am I kidding, I don’t even need a date to f*ck. I have once again gotten pregnant, and again aborted. That makes a grand total of 5. I had a major STD scare; which thankfully turned out to be a false alarm. I’m 30 years old and still making the same exact mistakes I made when I was 19. Yet, I still don’t know how to change. I finally took a step back and realized I’m probably going about this whole LOVE thing wrong. But, since I refuse to take the blame for the state of alone I find myself in, I have done a lot of reflecting. I’m not a bad person, even though I have done some bad things. I’m just a product of my upbringing. Growing up without that loving male role model has left me a damaged woman. So, where do I go from here? How do I fix this??