Welcome to my shit storm..

Been a while, I know. I have started writing new posts a number of times, but after re reading them, have deleted and decided I need to be more honest with this. The purpose if this blog is not to get sympathy from anyone. It’s simply to help myself make sense of my thoughts. As a Scorpio I over think every single thing in my life. But sometimes writing down my thoughts helps me make sense of them, or at least shows me how pathetic I’m being. It’s tough for me to not sugar coat things and make it sound like everything is peachy when talking to friends. I try to convince myself everything is fine and great, by making everyone else around me believe it. But, right now I honestly don’t have the strength to put up a front. I’m a fucking wreck. I’m sad and lost and alone, and I HATE the way I feel right now. I have put so much work into making myself happy and learning how to be content with my life. It worked for a while. I was happy with my job, my current living situation, and so excited to be dating a man who seemed so trust worthy and honest. I was getting back into better shape, and feeling amazing about myself, for once. But, that has all seriously changed within a matter of days. Last week was BY FAR one of the shittiest weeks I have lived in a long ass time.

First, Mr. C and I broke up. (I will get into what happened in a bit.) I was laid off from my job, and I found out that I need to have a 2^nd surgery on my cervix to remove some severe pre-cancerous cells that are growing at a rapid pace. I’m overwhelmed and so stressed, to say the least. I have been crying for a week straight. I’m trying my hardest to not get discouraged, but right now that is almost impossible. On top of all that, I feel 100% alone. Remember, this is NOT for sympathy. I’m not fishing for anyone to tell me they’re here for me, and they’re my friend. I’m simply stating how I feel. I have lived in Vegas coming up on 6 years and honestly feel like I have not made 1 single genuine connection.  I understand that this is my fault, because I keep people at arms distance, but it doesn’t change the fact that it fucking sucks. Sure I have acquaintances and drinking buddies, but I don’t have anyone I feel I can cry to. I may have kept up the tough girl front too well. I don’t feel like I have anyone here that I can reach out to when I need comforting. After all the news was dropped on me last week, I fished around for anyone to hang out and take my mind off my current situation. I was happy that 2 people reached out and told me they would like to get together to get my mind off everything. Unfortunately, that was just bullshit, and when it came to the days I had plans with them, I did not hear from either. I literally sat home and cried all weekend. My phone did not ring 1 single time for days. And when I actually looked at recent calls and texts I realized that I’m usually the only person who reaches out to my friends, and when I do get a text from them, they are simply answering me back. None of them take the time to contact me first. I don’t know when the last time I got a “hey how are you, was just thinking about you.” kinda text from anyone. But I do know that I have sent those texts out. I know that when I see a friend in need of a hug, that I reach out to them and offer my support. I love my alone time until it’s the only option I have.

Pity party for 1!!!

I know this sounds pathetic, but it really makes me sad. I have obviously done something seriously wrong to have so few people give a shit about me. I will continue to be thankful for the very few friends I do have (please don’t think I forgot about my besties, of course you guys, you know who you are, are the exception to all this rambling.) I know that I’m not completely alone. I also understand that it’s tough to deal with someone who is so down on life and negative. I realize that maybe people have distanced themselves because they don’t know what to say to me. I get that. I just hope that I have never let any of you down, and that you know I’m here for all of you if you need me. I would hate to find out that any of my friends or acquaintances ever felt THIS level of alone. I wish I wouldn’t have distanced myself from so many people over the years. But, I can’t fix that now. I do vow to let the people who matter most to me know how much they mean to me more often. I promise that I will work on being more honest with myself, and everyone else. I apologize to any of you, if you have ever felt like I wasn’t a good friend. I will work my hardest to be genuine in my interactions with everyone from now on.  I don’t think that will fix the spot I’m in right now, but I hope that it will help me to not question my own integrity any more. I know I mean well, but do others know that as well? I’m trying to remind myself that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. But right about now, I really have no desire to gain strength. I feel so over whelmed, and don’t even know where to begin to get my life back in order.

So, back to the beginning of this shit storm. When I met Mr. C I was upset about the situation with Mr. AZ. It was a rebound type of plan for me to put myself out there so quickly in order to think less about the mistake I made with Mr. AZ. The first night I hung out with Mr. C I was shocked at how much we had in common. I was elated to find someone who seemed to be in exactly the same place in life, and who was searching for the same things. Everything he said made me happier and more interested. After dating him for a month, I was almost sure he was going to be the father of my children, and that man I would one day marry. He was the one who wanted to make things official with us, and made it clear he wouldn’t be seeing anyone else, and neither should I. I agreed, and was very happy to call him my “boyfriend.” But, boy was I wrong about him. We only dated for a total of about 3 ½ months, and in that time he did a complete 180. I have never met someone who was so good at manipulating me before in my life. He began to get controlling and jealous quickly, but I chalked it up to his level of commitment to me, and was happy that he cared so much. Things slowly began to unravel with him, and at the end it was clear that he was the complete opposite of “real” with me. A short while into our relationship he purchased us concert tickets and was so excited to take me. The last night we were together, he nonchalantly mentioned “oh yeah, by the way, I’m taking my brother to that concert, not you.” Since I knew the type of relationship he had with his brother, I knew this was 1 of 2 things, with the same outcome. If he truly would rather spend the time with his brother than me, something is definitely wrong. But, I was more sure that he was just full of shit and decided to take someone else (other than his brother) in my place. I didn’t bother to discuss this further, because at the time we had both been drinking. I made a mental note to bring this topic up at another time. As the night went on he made a couple more comments that I felt were totally embarrassing and disrespectful. He mentioned how I will never get a ring from him and that I should get over the idea and in the same breath that we do not “MAKE LOVE” we fuck. Again, I just made a mental note to discuss this later. After 1 last embarrassing comment “I’m ready to go home, so I can wake up with my dick in your mouth” we left the bar and headed back to my house. We were not there for more than 10 minutes when he proceeded to vomit allllllll over my bathroom, clog and over flow my toilet with paper towels while attempting to clean up the mess he made, then pass out on my bathroom floor. At that time I was livid and against my better judgment I checked the text messages in his phone and found that he did in fact make plans to take another girl to the concert in my place. At that very moment I knew I was done!! I waited for him to wake up on my bathroom floor, and told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. I said I don’t think you are anywhere near as into me as I thought you were, and left it at that. He didn’t ask any questions, I imagine he figured it was because of the puke all over my house. But he basically tucked his tail and went home. In the next few days we made plans to exchange our belongings and he asked if I would like to talk about it. I said no, and our last interaction was all of about 10 seconds. He couldn’t even look at me in the face. I can’t even begin to explain how disappointed I am by this. Mostly at myself. I really believed that I was a good judge of character, but I was beyond wrong about Mr. C. He has proved to me once again that trustworthy and honest people are very hard to come by. As much as I would like to blame myself for trusting and believing that he was falling for me, and that we had a future together, I refuse. The fact is, he was a good liar. I’m sorry I got wrapped up in his lies. I’m sorry I believed anything that came out of his mouth. But I’m thankful that I was quick to end it.

As far as the work situation; I’m confident this happened for a damn good reason. Sure it was bad timing, but when is it ever a good time to lose your job? My last day is 11/2, and I have severance pay after that, but I’m hoping to get a transfer and not have to leave the company. I cannot allow myself to stress about this right now, because frankly I don’t have any more give a damn left. When it comes to the medical shit, I honestly can’t even wrap my head around it. Overwhelmed is a total under-statement.  I’m a strong girl, and I’m sure I’ll be able to laugh at all of this soon. But for now, I’m really just hoping to find the strength in myself to pull myself out of this funk. I’m tired of crying and being sad.