...If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing. You may find you're missing all the rest...

I know it’s been far too long since I have blogged. I’m still working on getting into this. I need to remind myself how much better it makes me feel to put everything down on paper, rather than letting it float around in my head and take up space. I’ve been working so much on learning how to make myself happy, and trying to find my place in life. For my entire adult life I have been more concerned with making sure other people are happy, that I let myself go. When I finally realized that I had been neglecting myself for so many years, I found myself in a place where I didn’t even know where to begin getting back to good.

 

As you all know I have an older sister who is my everything. I don’t know how any girl could ever live without having a sister. Krista’s my built in best friend. I love her more than life itself. She is the one person in my world who 100% gets me. When I have guy troubles, I don’t even have to explain why I did what I did, she already knows. She has the same “daddy issues” as me and my actions make total sense to her. We love each other unconditionally, which sometimes can be trying, because neither one of us are perfect. And often times we tend to hurt the ones closest to us, because of the comfort level. Regardless my sister and her son are the most important people in my life. They are the only people I would lay my life down for without hesitation. Hunter, my nephew, has taught me how much love I have in my heart. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love that little guy. I tend to worry more about Krista and Hunter than I do myself. Growing up Krista always played the big sister and protector role. But when I was about 21 things quickly turned around 180 degrees. I will never know for sure what made her go from responsible mothering big sister, to where she is now. But if I had to guess I’d say maybe its genetics? Unfortunately my sister has picked up the mental instability my mother has. I’ll get back to Krista in just a minute. First let me explain a little about this instability;

 

 In my last blog I mentioned that my mother is agoraphobic. Most of you know me so well, and I have shared what that means. The dictionary definition of the disorder is – An abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, accompanied by panic attacks. Growing up with an agoraphobic mother was not easy, to say the least. She was a total embarrassment to me. We always had to stay super close to home. We never got to travel or vacation. She had major panic attacks, often in public. I can vividly remember many times being in a shopping mall and her dropping to the floor and hyperventilating and crying hysterically. Imagine being a teenager, and having your mother do that. I HATED it!!! I was beyond embarrassed and mad at her for constantly causing a scene. I never found any compassion for her disorder. I always knew it was more mental than real life. I just wanted to slap her and yell “get over yourself!!!” Yes, I know she had a terrible childhood, but I still didn’t play into the disorder. I hated it so much that I refused to let myself fall into that pattern. My sister and brother were not so lucky. Perhaps they weren’t as angry at her anxiety as I am. Or maybe they really have some sort of genetic chemical imbalance. I’m not a doctor, and I have no idea why I turned out this way, and they find themselves having panic attacks and are consumed by constant anxiety. I’m thankful I didn’t pick up on it. But it breaks my heart to see how unstable Krista has become.

 

 When I was 18 and Krista 20, we moved to Corona and had a cute little condo. I was always more irresponsible and boy crazy than Krista. I was much more concerned about having a good time, then growing up and acting like an adult. We lived in our cute little condo for nearly 4 years. By that time I was 21, almost 22 and had become a pro at partying. I got caught up in cocaine and methamphetamines and of course shared the love of the drugs with my older much more responsible sister. I think maybe that chemical imbalance was probably always there, but something major changed in her when she started doing drugs. She began hanging out with a different crowd, and became much more out spoken and wild. We moved back down to OC at that time. After a while Krista started dating Sean, Hunter’s dad, and I was dating “the lying cheating man” mentioned in my first blog. For the first time ever we distanced ourselves from each other. I will always blame myself for the path Krista took when I wasn’t there with her. She started to drink heavily and continued to use drugs. We would see each other maybe once a month for the year or so. I was wrapped up in my party, and she was wrapped up in her own. On Halloween of 2004, I was at the dentist having my wisdom teeth pulled. My phone was ringing off the hook while I was in the chair, but obviously I wasn’t able to get up and answer it. Once I got done I checked my phone to find several missed calls and voice mail messages from Krista. I was in too much pain to call her back, and figured how important could it really be anyway. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have ignored those calls. I’ll never forgive myself for doing so. After an hour of resting at home I got a text message that read “I really needed you today. But, I know you’re too busy. I just swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, and washed them down with a bottle of vodka.” My heart sank and I immediately called her back. No answer. I called her about 20 times, with no answer. I had just taken a bunch of pain meds and knew I wouldn’t be able to drive. I didn’t have her address. All I had was the home phone number. I dialed 911 and gave them the information I had and luckily they were able to locate the house she was living in. At that point I contacted every hospital in the area and I finally found out which one admitted her. I then called a friend to pick me up and take me to the hospital to see her. I have never felt so terrible for ignoring a call in my life. If I would have just answered she never would have felt alone enough to swallow those pills. How selfish can you be?? She was crying out for help, and I ignored her! I will never forgive myself for that. I visited her in the hospital that night as long as I could. The next day she was transferred to a mental health facility, and I visited her every day she was there. I hated seeing her in a place like that, but I was so scared for her to be released. They kept her for the maximum 72 hour hold, and released her with a grocery list of new meds. She has since been diagnosed bipolar. She continues to have panic attacks and episodes of complete mania. And since then I have felt completely responsible for her well being. A couple years after this she had Hunter, which made me worry even more.

 

 I don’t think anyone will understand the relationship we have today. Krista has done many things that nobody else could get away with. She slept with the lying cheating man, she used my social security number to open accounts she could not get approved for, she pocketed rent money and had me evicted, she has stolen a lot of money, clothes, drugs, etc. But, she’s still my sister, and I still love her unconditionally. I will always forgive her for taking advantage of me, and will never hold a grudge. When I decided to up and move to Las Vegas, she followed me. I lived in the same house with her most of the 5 years I have lived here in Vegas. I lived in her relationship and I helped raise her son. I lived her life. I couldn’t worry about myself, because I was too worried about making sure she was happy. And I lost myself in the process.

 

 A year ago last month Krista decided to move back “home” to CA. Letting go was the hardest thing ever. I couldn’t imagine living without seeing my Hunter every day. And I didn’t want to let go of Krista either. But, it was time for me to live my own life. At that time I went out on my own. My last BF and I talked about moving in together, but at that point I was well aware our relationship was not going to last. So, I took a huge leap and got my own place…all alone. One month later I ended my relationship. And at that point it became painfully obvious that I needed to learn how to make myself happy again. I was all alone, for the first time in my life. I had no idea where to go from there. I find it’s really hard to focus on making myself happy, when I’m so used to making others happy instead. In fact, when bad things happen to people I care most about, I often wish I could take all the heart ache on for them. For some reason I feel like I’m more equip to handle stress and sadness. Or maybe I just don’t like to see other people suffer. It’s much easier to focus on someone else, than it is to own up to the fact that I didn’t even know how to make myself happy anymore.

 

 Since Krista moved back “Home” to CA, I’ve made several trips back to visit. Ever since I moved to Las Vegas I always told myself I would move “home” one day. I have focused a lot on the idea of moving home in the 5+ years I’ve been gone. But, I have to say after my last trip back, CA is no longer home for me. I will always miss it, and of course I wish I could be closer to my friends, sister, and Hunter. But my last trip was a huge reality check. “Home” no longer feels comfy and welcoming. In fact it’s the exact opposite. The point of the trip was to celebrate Hunter’s 5^th birthday. We had a great time at his party, and it always makes me feel so special to soak up the love he has for me. But that was the only positive part of the trip. I always try to make an effort to see as many of my friends and family as possible every time I go back. This trip was no different. As usual I made plans to have dinner and drinks, and invited everyone I miss the most to join me. Of course, Necky, my bestie, spent as much time with me as she could. I got to catch up with a couple old friends who I hadn’t seen since I moved away, which was awesome. I invited my little brother, who had just turned 21 weeks before, his girlfriend, and my step father to join as well. I had fun catching up with them until the drinking became a little out of hand. Multiple rounds of shots were ordered and soon the 3 of them were wasted. After they disappeared for a while I got a text from my brother’s girlfriend saying that they left because Tyler was throwing up. Of course, I remember being 21 so no big deal. We had plans to meet up for breakfast in the morning anyway. So, at that point I moved over and hung out with Sean, Hunter’s dad and his group of friends, one of which became very inappropriate making comments to Necky and I about our boobs because apparently being in your late 30s is still not too old to act like a horny teenage boy. Necky’s boyfriend had enough and they decided to leave. At that point we decided to pay the bill. That’s when I realized that everything that was consumed had been placed on my bill, nearly $500 worth of food and drinks. I had allotted $100 for the night because I planned to have a good time, but $500!??! That was my rent!! I called, texted, and emailed my brother and step father and let them know that there was no way I could afford to cover their portion of the bill, and that I wouldn’t be making it to breakfast in the morning because I was tapped out. No response. No “I’m sorry I forgot to pay my tab.” No “Sorry, I thought you were covering it for me.” Nothing. No response at all. Luckily Necky split the bill with me. But, I am still beyond hurt that neither of them can even respond to me. It’s known that I live pay check to paycheck. I’m on a tight budget, and don’t have $500 to blow on a night of drinking. But obviously, they don’t care. In fact the only I have heard from then in the past 2 months since then was both of them asking for favors. No apology or even acknowledgment of anything that happened that night. After that I was on a mission to get drunk. Necky left and I spent the remainder of the night drinking with Sean and his friends. The inappropriate pig continued to be inappropriate, so much so that he put his hands on me, at which point I pushed him to the floor more than once. I didn’t care how big of a scene I caused. I had been disrespected in so many ways that night that I felt like it couldn’t get any worse. All I wanted to do was hop on the first flight back home and get out of there. That is exactly the type of bullshit negativity I don’t need in my life.

 

 Since then I have been making a conscious effort to get to know myself again. I’ve made a point of learning to be happy with where I am. I’ve turned my little apartment into a home. I finally don’t feel like I have 1 foot out the door anymore. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, and have dropped a ton of negativity. I’ve learned let go of toxic relationships, even if they are with family. And I honestly feel better than I have in years. I quit smoking cigarettes, going on 9 months now. I quit smoking weed daily, and haven’t purchased any in over a month now. I’ve been working on getting healthy and losing weight. I’m proud to say I have lost 30+ pounds. For the first time in years I am under 200 pounds and wearing a size I haven’t worn since I was 21 and on drugs. Obviously I still have work to do, but I am well on my way to being exactly who I want to be. I will always be a work in progress, but I can honestly say that I’m happy. Of course I still have my issues with men, but I’m working on it. I met someone online who I see great potential in. The only downfall is that he lives in AZ. But, I’m taking a leap and hopping on a plane this weekend headed to Phoenix to meet him. Life is about taking chances right?? I will have to update you all when I return, because I really feel like this might just be a new chapter in my life. Wish me luck, y’all!